Epic Fail

So I called my gyno's office to get my records from my miscarriages for the new infertility specialist, and right before we hang up, the nurse who took my call and was getting my records ready said "Happy Mother's Day"


Wow. All I could do was laugh.

We found a new Infertility practice to wrk with, and already I feel way more optimistic about this actually working. More to come.

Down the Rabbit-Hole

"The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well.


Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next." - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll


To those of you reading this, I want to apologize for my long absence from the blog. I had fallen into a pretty rough spot, and was really struggling to even just drag myself out of bed in the morning. I was feeling short tempered, whiny and miserable, and felt like I was annoying everyone around me with my mood. I didn't want to get out bed in the morning. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do anything when I got to work. I was grouchy when people asked me to do things. I didn't even care if I lost my job because of my attitude or performance. I was achy and tired and deflated. I was almost constantly snarky to IvoryBoy, unreceptive to intimacy, lazy about cleaning the apartment and I have no idea how he put up with it, but so grateful that he didn't kick me out. (ha ha)  I could see this all happening, and couldn't stop it. I felt completely powerless over the world around me, and the things that would set me off seemed to change daily.
 
So I talked to my therapist about it all, and she seemed to think that it might be really severe PMS as my body tried to adapt to the change in hormones, both toward the end of the science experiment phase 1, and once we started the break from it. Her suggestion was to try an SSRI as a treatment for PMS. Since she's a clinical psychcologist and not able to prescribe meds, she directed me to discuss it with my GP. I mulled that over for a couple of weeks before actually calling my GP to make an appointment. Finally I had an epiphany (for lack of a better word) that I don't have to feel like that.

So I went in to talk to my GP, and he asked me a lot of questions and we talked for a while, and finally he said "It sounds like you've been battling depression for a long time. Is this the first time you've considered medication?" And I laughed and said "I didn't know I was really depressed." I always thought I was just a shy, angsty teenager, who grew up into a less shy, more angsty adult. I thought it was just my hormones wreaking havoc on my moods. I thought I just needed to try harder to deal with things. (I'm actually very hard on myself, and expect myself to have superhuman patience and coping skills.) So I decided, so much for the break from the meds... I started taking Zoloft, and it definitely is helping me to feel a bit more normal. Or calmer anyway. So it's worth it.

Examples of how it's helping:
1) Last year when I was writing report cards for my hebrew school classes, I broke down in tears no less than 3 times from the stress of trying to evaluate students without repeating comments for multiple students because my principal apparently hates it. I don't know firsthand that she hates it, only that she complained to another teacher about my comments. Nice, right? Well this time, I was calm and did not stress about the fact that I didn't get them from the school administrator until 3 days before they were due. I just did my best, worked slowly and calmly, and handed them in 2 weeks late. IvoryBoy said "Wow, that Zoloft is working!"
2) Seven (not exaggerating) friends and family members are all pregnant and due in late July or August. I am happy for them. I haven't cried about it, and have made jokes about not getting the memo. "Wow, that Zoloft is working!"

So I'm taking this one day at a time. Working on feeling more human, more like my old self. Trying to get back to the happy place IvoryBoy and I had. Now if only I could get myself motivated about exercising!

Something to be Thankful for

IvoryBoy and I decided to put the science experiment on hold until the spring, after much deliberation. It's a very difficult decision, but one that I think will be best in the long run. This has been a very difficult year, between work stress, the economy, family, and of course, TTC. So I wanted to talk about things that are good right now. So first, I'm grateful that my marriage doesn't seem to be suffering, rather it seems even stronger. We're leaning on each other for strength, and holding each other up.
I'm grateful for the fact that we're in a good, stable place financially.
I'm grateful that both IvoryBoy and I both have our jobs.
I'm grateful for the support of good friends through all of this.
But most of all, I'm grateful for the break from all the meds.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and try to find something to be grateful for!

Stranger in a Strange land

Finding myself without my regular "poke-n-prod" appointments has been... well, odd. But relaxing too.

It's been so strange to find myself thinking about normal things. About the world beyond my uterus. When you're infertile, and TTC, you lose some of yourself. And I'm not just talking about vials of blood, or your sense of modesty. There's always the shadow of your fertility struggle looming over every thought, and action. You end up feeling like your own evil twin, or a "reasonable hand-drawn facsimilie." You try to think about the greater world, but the stress, anxiety and sadness pushes you back into the hormone-clouded bubble. You forget what life felt like before you became so hypersensitive.

But... without the drugs in my system, I'm starting to feel almost human again. I can sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I can concentrate on my work... well, at least as much as I ever could. I can be intimate with my husband without worrying about laying perfectly still afterward, or praying that it will work this time. We can be intimate when we feel like it, and we do feel like it. I never realized how different making love and making a baby were.

Without the drugs in my system, I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. It feels strange, but good. I'm glad I'm taking this time for myself, to recover from how hard these last couple of years have been, and to prepare myself for the next part of the fight.

More Time Off

Aunt Flow showed up again. Nice of her to stop by. IvoryBoy and I had literally just decided the day before to take at least one more month off from the science experiment, so her timing, as always, was impeccable.

The decision to take more time off was not easy - although I am VERY much looking forward to being Clomid-free for another month or more. We have one shot at the Clomid left before we move to IVF, and I really want to give us the best possible shot at it working. So in my mind, that means I need to lose some more weight, and eat better, and exercise. I can't help thinking that if I were in better shape, we'd have better luck... Which all feeds back into my guilt about the whole situation - as in "If only my Ovaries weren't defective, we'd have a baby by now."

And of course, I was hoping that it worked anyway, even without all of the poking and prodding...

Hysteria

A very long time ago, it was thought that "hysteria" (only in women, of course) was caused by the womb travelling around the body, looking for a baby, and disrupting the function of the other organs. This is also when they believed that the "Humours" were responsible for one's demeanor (Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, and Melancholy.) At points through this journey, I've thought about that. Imagining my uterus peeking behind pancreas, kidney, lung, calling "Yoo-hoo! Any babies in here?" It makes me giggle a bit. And then I just get mad that they always blame women's behavior on hormones... But that's a whole other story!

Romantic Getaway

IvoryBoy and I spent our third anniversary in Boston this year. We had a really nice day wandering around Cambridge, checking out shops, then checking out the Back Bay (near our hotel) and doing a little shopping.

The next day, we went to the Science Museum, which was very interesting, but definitely geared toward kids. It was a little rough at some points, seeing all of these little kids with their classes from school, or their parents. Saturday was filled with more kids with their parents everywhere. IvoryBoy and I said to each other a few times that this would be a great trip to take with kids.

Not to say I spent the whole trip comparing us with the happy families everywhere. But I was hoping to think about it a lot less than I did. It's just amazing sometimes, how quickly that black fog comes up and distracts you from living a normal life. Something as simple as a child's mitten lost, and left behind on a potted plant in a mall, or a tiny souvenir t-shirt can make your heart break. And of course I kept thinking, maybe it will work while we're away and relaxed and happy. But there's always that fog lurking to pull me down.

Time Out

Taking another month off. Seems like a very good idea. We'll be away, celebrating our anniversary on the days that we'd need to do our final shot at IUI for our final clomid cycle, so the RE recommended waiting and doing the IUI, rather than trying the old fashioned way. I'm on day 7 or something like that (see how nice, I don't have to remember) and I feel not quite like my old self, but definitely calmer and (dare I say it?) happier? No hot flashes, that's a nice change of pace.

I was talking to my buddy, NewsGirl, and she was quite supportive, and reminded me of another good reason to not be all drugged up - actually being able to enjoy my anniversary, and by "anniversary" I mean, sex with my husband that isn't scheduled.

Effing Aunt Flow

She came back. I hate her.

Waiting... Again

It's day 28 today, and if Aunt Flow doesn't show up by Friday, I go for a pregnancy test.

I'm trying really hard not to feel too negative, or get my hopes up too high. This is my 7th Clomid cycle, 5th with Ovidrel, 3rd with IUI. We get one more shot at a Clomid cycle after this, and then we move to IVF. I was saying to IvoryBoy, as we drove the 6 hours to my MIL's for a long weekend, that I want to take a few months off between Clomid and IVF. He was disappointed, but agreed that whatever I want to do is what we'll do. He's a few years older than I am, and feels the pressure of age more acutely than I do in our science experiment. He's afraid he'll be taking Ivory Jr to college using a walker and wearing Depends.

I'm just feeling very discouraged, and trying not to interpret every cramp or twinge.

Survived Yom Kippur

Without incident, I might add.

I was all set to fast when NewsGirl said to me that technically, until proven otherwise, my body is trying to be pregnant, and fasting might not be a good idea. So I didn't. And it was weird. I still felt hungry, even though I ate (modestly).

So I went for a progesterone check today, and they didn't call, which means I'm good to go. I go back on 10/9 to check my blood if Aunt Flow doesn't arrive before then. I hope she doesn't.

It's a Long Way Down

As I prepare for my 3rd IUI, I'm sitting here, not feeling excited or nervous, optimistic or encouraged, but miserable. Just plain miserable. I'm feeling rather down in the dumps lately, in general. Starting this 7th round of Clomid, I've felt the effects to be more intense, more acute, more difficult for others to be around me. I just feel so discouraged by the process. I wonder how much of this has to do with coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage? I cried during Rosh Hashanah services, when they read the Story of Hannah, wife of Elkanah, mother of Samuel. It's like picking a scab. You think it's healed over, and then it starts bleeding as if it just happened.

It may not seem like it today, but I'm really trying not to let this get me down. I am wallowing in a rather viscous lake of self-pity which is making me particularly horrible to my friends, family and co-workers. I feel as if this self-pity, almost self-loathing, is a stinking slime seeping from my pores. I am so far from the person I was before I miscarried. Before I began this difficult journey of infertility treatments. The drugs make me feel like I'm watching someone else, maybe my evil twin, bark at people, and rant and rave, thinking "Oh that's horrible, why can't she just take a breath and look at this objectively?" She doesn't have an objective view-point to see things from. Perception is reality, after all. This ShadowGirl version of myself is angry and jealous, mostly angry, and can't get past her fear and pain about having to go through this to remember why we're doing this.

You Have to Find the Funny...

Yesterday, I was emailing with my good friend, NewsGirl, talking about our respective weeks. I mentioned that I was taking the day off work to take care of some things, and wrote this:

poke & prod at 7am. and then i head up to mom's to wait for my ovidrel and the oven repairman.

She replied, "can we please take a moment to dissect that sentence? Because it's [eff]ing hysterical."

Then I went back and read it. And it was.

Oh.

Started Clomid last night. At 9:30 this morning, IvoryBoy calls to tell me that he's got to go out of town for work again for a week, starting on Day 12. So we're looking into our options, but it looks like we're going to go the spermsicle route, and do an IUI whenever they think I'm ready. So he won't even be in the same state as me when I'm being inseminated.

That would make a much better answer to "Where do babies come from?"

"Rochester."

It'll be just like Starting Over

IvoryBoy and I went for a consultation today with the reproductive endocrinologist. He feels that we're on the right track and should do at least two more Clomid cycles before considering IVF. He feels that with my PCOS, and the fact that I am responding to the Clomid favorably, that injectibles would pose too high a risk of multiples. I'm ok with the idea of twins, but I don't want my own reality show, thankyouverymuch. And I don't really want to be in a position where I have to figure out how I feel about selective reduction. I appreciate that they're concerned with avoiding quadruplets or more. Makes me wonder how Kate Gosselin or Octomom talked their doctors into allowing them to risk carrying whole litters of babies.

So I started my next round of clomid tonight, (Lucky everyone around me, getting to see mood-swinging-hot-flashing-IvoryGirl after a short hiatus) and then we'll do an IUI in about 10-12 days. I'm feeling pretty well rested from having that time off from our previous attempts. Hopefully that will help me to stay positive through this cycle. That and my sweet IvoryBoy, who keeps reminding me how much he loves me, and showing his support through it all. Even with all of this, I'm a very lucky girl.

The IvoryGirl & Ina Project?

Just saw Julie & Julia with IvoryBoy - he's a good husband, allowing himself to be dragged along to a theater full of middle-aged women. I'd read some of the reviews, which weren't so favorable for the Julie parts, and now I understand why. The parts with Julia and Paul Child were so full of life, that by comparison, the tiny snippets of Julie Powell's life don't give you a sense of who she is or why she started the project. I'm glad I read the book first, I'll say that.

So it gave me an idea that maybe I could do my own food blog. I do love to cook. What do you think of The IvoryGirl & Ina Project? Or maybe I could think of a different approach? I've been working on losing weight (lost 50lbs so far), maybe it could be about IvoryBoy and I eating healthy and exercising? I could even take pictures of the food we make and eat... And of our exercise bike, which I've used exactly once now. :)

Well, I'll keep thinking.

So IvoryBoy is back home sweet home, and I'm very glad to have him. I think I managed quite well without him for the last 2 weeks, and could manage again. I did miss him, but I wasn't as lonely as I thought I'd be. I think it was good for both of us to have some time to ourselves. These last 2 years have been quite stressful on us both, and circumstances like this can either push you closer or apart. Infertility... not a 2-week business trip, I mean :)

I Want A New Drug

I'm starting to research other ovulation-stimulating drugs. If anyone out there in the web-iverse knows about Serophene, or Femara, and has used them personally, I'd love to hear your experiences with them. I've heard from a few friends who've used them, but I'm hoping for more information. I just like to be well-informed when I go in for a consult with the RE.
Thanks to anyone who can assist!

Lonely little 15

I was freaking out over the cyst, so I went to the RE to have them check on it, make sure it hadn't grown to the size of a ping pong ball. Mercifully, it had shrunk to about half it's former size. While they were in there, they checked my other ovary and found a 15. The Doc instructed me to go home and "try it" for a few days. Great idea, except IvoryBoy is away for the next 2 weeks, and I can't "try it" alone...

Also can't seem to sleep alone. (Do you hear violins?)

Derailed, Depressed, Delovely

Life's a b*tch, and so is Aunt Flow.

Not only did I get my period on Thursday, but the science experiment is on hold. On Friday, I went for my day 2 ultrasound and blood-work, and the Doctor found a cyst large enough to scrub this cycle. IvoryBoy and I will hopefully be able to get an appointment next week to go talk to our RE about what this means, do we need to do anything about it, and if the meds need to be adjusted.

From what I've found on message boards and other helpful websites, cysts are common. I just hope it doesn't get more painful. Right now it's just uncomfortable, and I can handle that. Not looking forward to anything more painful than that though.

Also - I wanted to welcome Shayna to my followers! Sorry for the crabby-pants entry today, I hope you'll stick around and comment anyway!

Waiting is the Hardest Part

If I don't get my period before Friday, I'll be going for a pregnancy blood test. As I've said before, that's sort of feeling scary right now. I keep feeling cramps, and soreness in my boobs, and slight nausea, just like I've felt every month that we've been doing this. I keep thinking "Maybe this time it's working." It's so hard to concentrate at work, or even at home on anything. I've been reading, trying to keep my brain too busy to think about it. I just have to get through 4 days (well, 3 1/2 now...)
And why does time seem to go by so much slower when you're waiting for something really important like this?