Time Out

Taking another month off. Seems like a very good idea. We'll be away, celebrating our anniversary on the days that we'd need to do our final shot at IUI for our final clomid cycle, so the RE recommended waiting and doing the IUI, rather than trying the old fashioned way. I'm on day 7 or something like that (see how nice, I don't have to remember) and I feel not quite like my old self, but definitely calmer and (dare I say it?) happier? No hot flashes, that's a nice change of pace.

I was talking to my buddy, NewsGirl, and she was quite supportive, and reminded me of another good reason to not be all drugged up - actually being able to enjoy my anniversary, and by "anniversary" I mean, sex with my husband that isn't scheduled.

It's a Long Way Down

As I prepare for my 3rd IUI, I'm sitting here, not feeling excited or nervous, optimistic or encouraged, but miserable. Just plain miserable. I'm feeling rather down in the dumps lately, in general. Starting this 7th round of Clomid, I've felt the effects to be more intense, more acute, more difficult for others to be around me. I just feel so discouraged by the process. I wonder how much of this has to do with coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage? I cried during Rosh Hashanah services, when they read the Story of Hannah, wife of Elkanah, mother of Samuel. It's like picking a scab. You think it's healed over, and then it starts bleeding as if it just happened.

It may not seem like it today, but I'm really trying not to let this get me down. I am wallowing in a rather viscous lake of self-pity which is making me particularly horrible to my friends, family and co-workers. I feel as if this self-pity, almost self-loathing, is a stinking slime seeping from my pores. I am so far from the person I was before I miscarried. Before I began this difficult journey of infertility treatments. The drugs make me feel like I'm watching someone else, maybe my evil twin, bark at people, and rant and rave, thinking "Oh that's horrible, why can't she just take a breath and look at this objectively?" She doesn't have an objective view-point to see things from. Perception is reality, after all. This ShadowGirl version of myself is angry and jealous, mostly angry, and can't get past her fear and pain about having to go through this to remember why we're doing this.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

If I don't get my period before Friday, I'll be going for a pregnancy blood test. As I've said before, that's sort of feeling scary right now. I keep feeling cramps, and soreness in my boobs, and slight nausea, just like I've felt every month that we've been doing this. I keep thinking "Maybe this time it's working." It's so hard to concentrate at work, or even at home on anything. I've been reading, trying to keep my brain too busy to think about it. I just have to get through 4 days (well, 3 1/2 now...)
And why does time seem to go by so much slower when you're waiting for something really important like this?

Crossed Fingers

Today was IUI day. It started bright and early with IvoryBoy's alarm clock going off around 6am, when he jumped up and took the cup out of the fridge. We snuggled for a little bit, and then we got up - I went to go shower and he left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I had to run after him and remind him that he had to keep the cup under his arm after he completed his portion of the science experiment.

Now - let me explain - we both feel sort of awkward about this. Last time, I tried to help, and it was nearly disastrous, and IvoryBoy ended up asking me to leave the room. So we agreed that he was on his own for this one. I showered and dressed and was nearly ready to leave when he sheepishly brought me the cup. I tucked it under my arm and headed out. Gotta keep the boys warm.

IvoryBoy went to work shortly after I got home, and then came back for me a few hours later. I remember from last time, that the speculum hurt, the catheter hurt, the transfer hurt, and then there were cramps. I was wincing and digging my nails into IB's arm, and he whispered that he was sorry he complained about what he'd had to do. So, considering how painful the first IUI was, I was quite nervous about this morning. I asked IB to drive me in case I was too miserable to do it myself. In the car, we talked about how much we hope it works, and I tried to concentrate on being a happy, hospitable environment for a little zygote to grow. I feared the worst, but it was amazingly less painful. Don't get me wrong, it was still uncomfortable, and I had cramps all day, but much less traumatic than last time. From what I've read on various message boards, if the timing isn't quite right, it hurts, so I'm feeling quite optimistic about today's treatment.

I also wanted to share something that made me feel all warm and squishy. This morning while we waited to be called in, a man came in carrying a gift bag, and spoke quickly to the nurse that "they" were hoping to see "her" before the procedure. The nurse called someone and asked him to sit down and wait. He was so nervous I wanted to go hug him and tell him not to worry. Then his partner came in, and the nurse brought them across the hall. A few minutes later they came back. From what I'd overheard, they were there for their surrogate's procedure, to conceive their child. Sometimes I forget that it's not only heterosexual couples having trouble conceiving sitting in the waiting room with me, but it's usually just the women you see. It made me feel encouraged that this couple was able to find a way to have their own child, so we can too.

I am a really lucky girl, to have IvoryBoy. I've known for a long time that this wasn't going to be easy, and if it weren't for his encouragement, I might've given up on having my own child. We had to wait a bit in the exam room today, while the Doctor was called into the surgical suite, and he was making me laugh and keeping my mood light and happy. He held my hand through the whole procedure, and kissed me and told me how much he loves me. It may not be romantic to conceive a child this way, but it is intimate in a different way. IB's now seen me with my feet up in stirrups, a pink paper drape across my lap, and in a weird way, it's made us love each other more. I've heard stories of men not being able to see their wives in a sexual way after having seen them give birth, etc. I know that won't happen for us.

So now we just have to keep our fingers crossed.