Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Survived Yom Kippur

Without incident, I might add.

I was all set to fast when NewsGirl said to me that technically, until proven otherwise, my body is trying to be pregnant, and fasting might not be a good idea. So I didn't. And it was weird. I still felt hungry, even though I ate (modestly).

So I went for a progesterone check today, and they didn't call, which means I'm good to go. I go back on 10/9 to check my blood if Aunt Flow doesn't arrive before then. I hope she doesn't.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's a Long Way Down

As I prepare for my 3rd IUI, I'm sitting here, not feeling excited or nervous, optimistic or encouraged, but miserable. Just plain miserable. I'm feeling rather down in the dumps lately, in general. Starting this 7th round of Clomid, I've felt the effects to be more intense, more acute, more difficult for others to be around me. I just feel so discouraged by the process. I wonder how much of this has to do with coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my 2nd miscarriage? I cried during Rosh Hashanah services, when they read the Story of Hannah, wife of Elkanah, mother of Samuel. It's like picking a scab. You think it's healed over, and then it starts bleeding as if it just happened.

It may not seem like it today, but I'm really trying not to let this get me down. I am wallowing in a rather viscous lake of self-pity which is making me particularly horrible to my friends, family and co-workers. I feel as if this self-pity, almost self-loathing, is a stinking slime seeping from my pores. I am so far from the person I was before I miscarried. Before I began this difficult journey of infertility treatments. The drugs make me feel like I'm watching someone else, maybe my evil twin, bark at people, and rant and rave, thinking "Oh that's horrible, why can't she just take a breath and look at this objectively?" She doesn't have an objective view-point to see things from. Perception is reality, after all. This ShadowGirl version of myself is angry and jealous, mostly angry, and can't get past her fear and pain about having to go through this to remember why we're doing this.

Friday, September 18, 2009

You Have to Find the Funny...

Yesterday, I was emailing with my good friend, NewsGirl, talking about our respective weeks. I mentioned that I was taking the day off work to take care of some things, and wrote this:

poke & prod at 7am. and then i head up to mom's to wait for my ovidrel and the oven repairman.

She replied, "can we please take a moment to dissect that sentence? Because it's [eff]ing hysterical."

Then I went back and read it. And it was.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Started Clomid last night. At 9:30 this morning, IvoryBoy calls to tell me that he's got to go out of town for work again for a week, starting on Day 12. So we're looking into our options, but it looks like we're going to go the spermsicle route, and do an IUI whenever they think I'm ready. So he won't even be in the same state as me when I'm being inseminated.

That would make a much better answer to "Where do babies come from?"


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It'll be just like Starting Over

IvoryBoy and I went for a consultation today with the reproductive endocrinologist. He feels that we're on the right track and should do at least two more Clomid cycles before considering IVF. He feels that with my PCOS, and the fact that I am responding to the Clomid favorably, that injectibles would pose too high a risk of multiples. I'm ok with the idea of twins, but I don't want my own reality show, thankyouverymuch. And I don't really want to be in a position where I have to figure out how I feel about selective reduction. I appreciate that they're concerned with avoiding quadruplets or more. Makes me wonder how Kate Gosselin or Octomom talked their doctors into allowing them to risk carrying whole litters of babies.

So I started my next round of clomid tonight, (Lucky everyone around me, getting to see mood-swinging-hot-flashing-IvoryGirl after a short hiatus) and then we'll do an IUI in about 10-12 days. I'm feeling pretty well rested from having that time off from our previous attempts. Hopefully that will help me to stay positive through this cycle. That and my sweet IvoryBoy, who keeps reminding me how much he loves me, and showing his support through it all. Even with all of this, I'm a very lucky girl.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The IvoryGirl & Ina Project?

Just saw Julie & Julia with IvoryBoy - he's a good husband, allowing himself to be dragged along to a theater full of middle-aged women. I'd read some of the reviews, which weren't so favorable for the Julie parts, and now I understand why. The parts with Julia and Paul Child were so full of life, that by comparison, the tiny snippets of Julie Powell's life don't give you a sense of who she is or why she started the project. I'm glad I read the book first, I'll say that.

So it gave me an idea that maybe I could do my own food blog. I do love to cook. What do you think of The IvoryGirl & Ina Project? Or maybe I could think of a different approach? I've been working on losing weight (lost 50lbs so far), maybe it could be about IvoryBoy and I eating healthy and exercising? I could even take pictures of the food we make and eat... And of our exercise bike, which I've used exactly once now. :)

Well, I'll keep thinking.

So IvoryBoy is back home sweet home, and I'm very glad to have him. I think I managed quite well without him for the last 2 weeks, and could manage again. I did miss him, but I wasn't as lonely as I thought I'd be. I think it was good for both of us to have some time to ourselves. These last 2 years have been quite stressful on us both, and circumstances like this can either push you closer or apart. Infertility... not a 2-week business trip, I mean :)