Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I'm grateful for the fact that we're in a good, stable place financially.
I'm grateful that both IvoryBoy and I both have our jobs.
I'm grateful for the support of good friends through all of this.
But most of all, I'm grateful for the break from all the meds.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and try to find something to be grateful for!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's been so strange to find myself thinking about normal things. About the world beyond my uterus. When you're infertile, and TTC, you lose some of yourself. And I'm not just talking about vials of blood, or your sense of modesty. There's always the shadow of your fertility struggle looming over every thought, and action. You end up feeling like your own evil twin, or a "reasonable hand-drawn facsimilie." You try to think about the greater world, but the stress, anxiety and sadness pushes you back into the hormone-clouded bubble. You forget what life felt like before you became so hypersensitive.
But... without the drugs in my system, I'm starting to feel almost human again. I can sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I can concentrate on my work... well, at least as much as I ever could. I can be intimate with my husband without worrying about laying perfectly still afterward, or praying that it will work this time. We can be intimate when we feel like it, and we do feel like it. I never realized how different making love and making a baby were.
Without the drugs in my system, I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. It feels strange, but good. I'm glad I'm taking this time for myself, to recover from how hard these last couple of years have been, and to prepare myself for the next part of the fight.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The decision to take more time off was not easy - although I am VERY much looking forward to being Clomid-free for another month or more. We have one shot at the Clomid left before we move to IVF, and I really want to give us the best possible shot at it working. So in my mind, that means I need to lose some more weight, and eat better, and exercise. I can't help thinking that if I were in better shape, we'd have better luck... Which all feeds back into my guilt about the whole situation - as in "If only my Ovaries weren't defective, we'd have a baby by now."
And of course, I was hoping that it worked anyway, even without all of the poking and prodding...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The next day, we went to the Science Museum, which was very interesting, but definitely geared toward kids. It was a little rough at some points, seeing all of these little kids with their classes from school, or their parents. Saturday was filled with more kids with their parents everywhere. IvoryBoy and I said to each other a few times that this would be a great trip to take with kids.
Not to say I spent the whole trip comparing us with the happy families everywhere. But I was hoping to think about it a lot less than I did. It's just amazing sometimes, how quickly that black fog comes up and distracts you from living a normal life. Something as simple as a child's mitten lost, and left behind on a potted plant in a mall, or a tiny souvenir t-shirt can make your heart break. And of course I kept thinking, maybe it will work while we're away and relaxed and happy. But there's always that fog lurking to pull me down.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I was talking to my buddy, NewsGirl, and she was quite supportive, and reminded me of another good reason to not be all drugged up - actually being able to enjoy my anniversary, and by "anniversary" I mean, sex with my husband that isn't scheduled.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I'm trying really hard not to feel too negative, or get my hopes up too high. This is my 7th Clomid cycle, 5th with Ovidrel, 3rd with IUI. We get one more shot at a Clomid cycle after this, and then we move to IVF. I was saying to IvoryBoy, as we drove the 6 hours to my MIL's for a long weekend, that I want to take a few months off between Clomid and IVF. He was disappointed, but agreed that whatever I want to do is what we'll do. He's a few years older than I am, and feels the pressure of age more acutely than I do in our science experiment. He's afraid he'll be taking Ivory Jr to college using a walker and wearing Depends.
I'm just feeling very discouraged, and trying not to interpret every cramp or twinge.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I was all set to fast when NewsGirl said to me that technically, until proven otherwise, my body is trying to be pregnant, and fasting might not be a good idea. So I didn't. And it was weird. I still felt hungry, even though I ate (modestly).
So I went for a progesterone check today, and they didn't call, which means I'm good to go. I go back on 10/9 to check my blood if Aunt Flow doesn't arrive before then. I hope she doesn't.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It may not seem like it today, but I'm really trying not to let this get me down. I am wallowing in a rather viscous lake of self-pity which is making me particularly horrible to my friends, family and co-workers. I feel as if this self-pity, almost self-loathing, is a stinking slime seeping from my pores. I am so far from the person I was before I miscarried. Before I began this difficult journey of infertility treatments. The drugs make me feel like I'm watching someone else, maybe my evil twin, bark at people, and rant and rave, thinking "Oh that's horrible, why can't she just take a breath and look at this objectively?" She doesn't have an objective view-point to see things from. Perception is reality, after all. This ShadowGirl version of myself is angry and jealous, mostly angry, and can't get past her fear and pain about having to go through this to remember why we're doing this.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Yesterday, I was emailing with my good friend, NewsGirl, talking about our respective weeks. I mentioned that I was taking the day off work to take care of some things, and wrote this:
poke & prod at 7am. and then i head up to mom's to wait for my ovidrel and the oven repairman.
She replied, "can we please take a moment to dissect that sentence? Because it's [eff]ing hysterical."
Then I went back and read it. And it was.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
That would make a much better answer to "Where do babies come from?"
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So I started my next round of clomid tonight, (Lucky everyone around me, getting to see mood-swinging-hot-flashing-IvoryGirl after a short hiatus) and then we'll do an IUI in about 10-12 days. I'm feeling pretty well rested from having that time off from our previous attempts. Hopefully that will help me to stay positive through this cycle. That and my sweet IvoryBoy, who keeps reminding me how much he loves me, and showing his support through it all. Even with all of this, I'm a very lucky girl.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
So it gave me an idea that maybe I could do my own food blog. I do love to cook. What do you think of The IvoryGirl & Ina Project? Or maybe I could think of a different approach? I've been working on losing weight (lost 50lbs so far), maybe it could be about IvoryBoy and I eating healthy and exercising? I could even take pictures of the food we make and eat... And of our exercise bike, which I've used exactly once now. :)
Well, I'll keep thinking.
So IvoryBoy is back home sweet home, and I'm very glad to have him. I think I managed quite well without him for the last 2 weeks, and could manage again. I did miss him, but I wasn't as lonely as I thought I'd be. I think it was good for both of us to have some time to ourselves. These last 2 years have been quite stressful on us both, and circumstances like this can either push you closer or apart. Infertility... not a 2-week business trip, I mean :)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thanks to anyone who can assist!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Also can't seem to sleep alone. (Do you hear violins?)
Monday, August 10, 2009
Not only did I get my period on Thursday, but the science experiment is on hold. On Friday, I went for my day 2 ultrasound and blood-work, and the Doctor found a cyst large enough to scrub this cycle. IvoryBoy and I will hopefully be able to get an appointment next week to go talk to our RE about what this means, do we need to do anything about it, and if the meds need to be adjusted.
From what I've found on message boards and other helpful websites, cysts are common. I just hope it doesn't get more painful. Right now it's just uncomfortable, and I can handle that. Not looking forward to anything more painful than that though.
Also - I wanted to welcome Shayna to my followers! Sorry for the crabby-pants entry today, I hope you'll stick around and comment anyway!
Monday, August 3, 2009
And why does time seem to go by so much slower when you're waiting for something really important like this?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
So now it's just a waiting game for the next 2 weeks.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Now - let me explain - we both feel sort of awkward about this. Last time, I tried to help, and it was nearly disastrous, and IvoryBoy ended up asking me to leave the room. So we agreed that he was on his own for this one. I showered and dressed and was nearly ready to leave when he sheepishly brought me the cup. I tucked it under my arm and headed out. Gotta keep the boys warm.
IvoryBoy went to work shortly after I got home, and then came back for me a few hours later. I remember from last time, that the speculum hurt, the catheter hurt, the transfer hurt, and then there were cramps. I was wincing and digging my nails into IB's arm, and he whispered that he was sorry he complained about what he'd had to do. So, considering how painful the first IUI was, I was quite nervous about this morning. I asked IB to drive me in case I was too miserable to do it myself. In the car, we talked about how much we hope it works, and I tried to concentrate on being a happy, hospitable environment for a little zygote to grow. I feared the worst, but it was amazingly less painful. Don't get me wrong, it was still uncomfortable, and I had cramps all day, but much less traumatic than last time. From what I've read on various message boards, if the timing isn't quite right, it hurts, so I'm feeling quite optimistic about today's treatment.
I also wanted to share something that made me feel all warm and squishy. This morning while we waited to be called in, a man came in carrying a gift bag, and spoke quickly to the nurse that "they" were hoping to see "her" before the procedure. The nurse called someone and asked him to sit down and wait. He was so nervous I wanted to go hug him and tell him not to worry. Then his partner came in, and the nurse brought them across the hall. A few minutes later they came back. From what I'd overheard, they were there for their surrogate's procedure, to conceive their child. Sometimes I forget that it's not only heterosexual couples having trouble conceiving sitting in the waiting room with me, but it's usually just the women you see. It made me feel encouraged that this couple was able to find a way to have their own child, so we can too.
I am a really lucky girl, to have IvoryBoy. I've known for a long time that this wasn't going to be easy, and if it weren't for his encouragement, I might've given up on having my own child. We had to wait a bit in the exam room today, while the Doctor was called into the surgical suite, and he was making me laugh and keeping my mood light and happy. He held my hand through the whole procedure, and kissed me and told me how much he loves me. It may not be romantic to conceive a child this way, but it is intimate in a different way. IB's now seen me with my feet up in stirrups, a pink paper drape across my lap, and in a weird way, it's made us love each other more. I've heard stories of men not being able to see their wives in a sexual way after having seen them give birth, etc. I know that won't happen for us.
So now we just have to keep our fingers crossed.
Monday, July 13, 2009
It was an Ovarian cyst, but because my hormone levels were fine, they weren't concerned about it. So I started the Clomid, and as I mentioned up there, I finished taking that already.
It's probably being back on Clomid that's making me feel a bit nutty, but I was all sorts of freaked out about the cyst. How will that affect this cycle? How do the "black pearls" that I have affect my ability to release an egg? Do the "black pearls" heal?
SO I have a lot of questions for my doctor, obviously, but if anyone out there is reading this and has gone through this - do you know the answers?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
After the doctor reviewed my test results, she determined that I did in fact have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So I did some research, and at the time, there wasn't much out there. I saw a lot of miscarriage rate statistics, and infertility statistics, and not too much about treatment. Fortunately, I had a great Ob/Gyn who prescribed metformin and BCP's, and got me regulated.
I hadn't known until I got my diagnosis that my depression and 100lb weight gain was part of PCOS too. I experienced a lot of the side effects, and gradually started feeling better.
When I moved, I needed to find a new doctor, and found a Reproductive Endocrinologist in my insurance company's catalog. I went for my initial exam, and they told me that I'd be having a sonogram, so I expected the same thing, the pressing on the belly until you pee kind of sonogram. Well. In the 10 years since, technology had developed a little something called THE WAND. This was a rather intimidating device, that examined the inside. They didn't warn me that they were using that one, and SURPRISE - they didn't buy me dinner first, either.
So at this point in our relationship, IvoryBoy and I were planning our wedding, and talking about going off the BCP's after the honeymoon. The RE was talking about putting me on Clomid right away. I thought to myself "We're not even married yet, lady!" but instead I told them we'd come back when we were ready.
To be continued...
Monday, June 29, 2009
On that day, I will not flinch, I will not falter, and I will bravely say "When two people really love each other and want to have a baby, they go to a Doctor, and go into separate rooms..."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Apparently my mom thought about my uterus though and bought me a fertility totem on her vacation... I can't wait to see it - she says that salmon is a symbol of fertility and that I should eat more of it. Too bad I only like lox...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the security guard. May his memory be a blessing. I know that's not much comfort to the family in their grief, but his bravery will always be remembered.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I know it's not unusual for couples treating infertility to go through years of therapies before conceiving (or eventually choosing adoption to add to their families) so I'm not surprised that it didn't work yet. Just disappointed.
For the last few days I've felt this coming, and have been trying to adjust.
As IvoryBoy and I started discussing logistics for the next cycle, we realized that we'll be on vacation the week we'd need to do the next IUI. Pending a conversation with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, we'll skip this month and try again in July. So our vacation will be a week of relaxation, and spending time together without trying so hard. Which is actually probably a really good thing. And it'll be a month off from all of the medications, so maybe I'll feel a little calmer...
And then I got an email from a friend saying that Michelle Duggar was pregnant with Triplets. And I thought to myself - why does she get to have 20 babies and we haven't gotten one?
Monday, January 5, 2009
When I met IvoryBoy, we were friends for over a year before we started dating. He knew something of my health issues going into our relationship, and has been incredibly supportive through all of the different medication adjustments (read: MOOD SWINGING CRAZINESS.)
Now, nearly 10 years after my diagnosis, my husband (IvoryBoy) and I are trying to have a baby. We went through two miscarriages, and now we're trying fertility therapy. I'm taking a medication called Clomid, which stimulates the ovaries to produce. In PCOS patients, I think the eggs that you produce aren't fully mature, and this helps make good eggs, not scrambled ones. The side effects are not really very much fun though. Hot flashes, moodiness, headaches, sleeplessness, just to mention a few - hardly the sort of things that make one interested in actually making babies... :)
I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm trying to keep realistic too. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll happen, that I'll get pregnant. Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel resentful. I know I'm not the only woman to have trouble conceiving. And I know so far I've been pretty lucky - no surgeries, not too many injections in the derierre... But sometimes the self-pity takes over. I keep trying to keep it at bay. Chocolate helps... :)