Hysteria

A very long time ago, it was thought that "hysteria" (only in women, of course) was caused by the womb travelling around the body, looking for a baby, and disrupting the function of the other organs. This is also when they believed that the "Humours" were responsible for one's demeanor (Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, and Melancholy.) At points through this journey, I've thought about that. Imagining my uterus peeking behind pancreas, kidney, lung, calling "Yoo-hoo! Any babies in here?" It makes me giggle a bit. And then I just get mad that they always blame women's behavior on hormones... But that's a whole other story!

Romantic Getaway

IvoryBoy and I spent our third anniversary in Boston this year. We had a really nice day wandering around Cambridge, checking out shops, then checking out the Back Bay (near our hotel) and doing a little shopping.

The next day, we went to the Science Museum, which was very interesting, but definitely geared toward kids. It was a little rough at some points, seeing all of these little kids with their classes from school, or their parents. Saturday was filled with more kids with their parents everywhere. IvoryBoy and I said to each other a few times that this would be a great trip to take with kids.

Not to say I spent the whole trip comparing us with the happy families everywhere. But I was hoping to think about it a lot less than I did. It's just amazing sometimes, how quickly that black fog comes up and distracts you from living a normal life. Something as simple as a child's mitten lost, and left behind on a potted plant in a mall, or a tiny souvenir t-shirt can make your heart break. And of course I kept thinking, maybe it will work while we're away and relaxed and happy. But there's always that fog lurking to pull me down.

Time Out

Taking another month off. Seems like a very good idea. We'll be away, celebrating our anniversary on the days that we'd need to do our final shot at IUI for our final clomid cycle, so the RE recommended waiting and doing the IUI, rather than trying the old fashioned way. I'm on day 7 or something like that (see how nice, I don't have to remember) and I feel not quite like my old self, but definitely calmer and (dare I say it?) happier? No hot flashes, that's a nice change of pace.

I was talking to my buddy, NewsGirl, and she was quite supportive, and reminded me of another good reason to not be all drugged up - actually being able to enjoy my anniversary, and by "anniversary" I mean, sex with my husband that isn't scheduled.

Effing Aunt Flow

She came back. I hate her.

Waiting... Again

It's day 28 today, and if Aunt Flow doesn't show up by Friday, I go for a pregnancy test.

I'm trying really hard not to feel too negative, or get my hopes up too high. This is my 7th Clomid cycle, 5th with Ovidrel, 3rd with IUI. We get one more shot at a Clomid cycle after this, and then we move to IVF. I was saying to IvoryBoy, as we drove the 6 hours to my MIL's for a long weekend, that I want to take a few months off between Clomid and IVF. He was disappointed, but agreed that whatever I want to do is what we'll do. He's a few years older than I am, and feels the pressure of age more acutely than I do in our science experiment. He's afraid he'll be taking Ivory Jr to college using a walker and wearing Depends.

I'm just feeling very discouraged, and trying not to interpret every cramp or twinge.