IvoryBoy and I decided to put the science experiment on hold until the spring, after much deliberation. It's a very difficult decision, but one that I think will be best in the long run. This has been a very difficult year, between work stress, the economy, family, and of course, TTC. So I wanted to talk about things that are good right now. So first, I'm grateful that my marriage doesn't seem to be suffering, rather it seems even stronger. We're leaning on each other for strength, and holding each other up.
I'm grateful for the fact that we're in a good, stable place financially.
I'm grateful that both IvoryBoy and I both have our jobs.
I'm grateful for the support of good friends through all of this.
But most of all, I'm grateful for the break from all the meds.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and try to find something to be grateful for!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Stranger in a Strange land
Finding myself without my regular "poke-n-prod" appointments has been... well, odd. But relaxing too.
It's been so strange to find myself thinking about normal things. About the world beyond my uterus. When you're infertile, and TTC, you lose some of yourself. And I'm not just talking about vials of blood, or your sense of modesty. There's always the shadow of your fertility struggle looming over every thought, and action. You end up feeling like your own evil twin, or a "reasonable hand-drawn facsimilie." You try to think about the greater world, but the stress, anxiety and sadness pushes you back into the hormone-clouded bubble. You forget what life felt like before you became so hypersensitive.
But... without the drugs in my system, I'm starting to feel almost human again. I can sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I can concentrate on my work... well, at least as much as I ever could. I can be intimate with my husband without worrying about laying perfectly still afterward, or praying that it will work this time. We can be intimate when we feel like it, and we do feel like it. I never realized how different making love and making a baby were.
Without the drugs in my system, I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. It feels strange, but good. I'm glad I'm taking this time for myself, to recover from how hard these last couple of years have been, and to prepare myself for the next part of the fight.
It's been so strange to find myself thinking about normal things. About the world beyond my uterus. When you're infertile, and TTC, you lose some of yourself. And I'm not just talking about vials of blood, or your sense of modesty. There's always the shadow of your fertility struggle looming over every thought, and action. You end up feeling like your own evil twin, or a "reasonable hand-drawn facsimilie." You try to think about the greater world, but the stress, anxiety and sadness pushes you back into the hormone-clouded bubble. You forget what life felt like before you became so hypersensitive.
But... without the drugs in my system, I'm starting to feel almost human again. I can sleep through the night without waking up drenched in sweat. I can concentrate on my work... well, at least as much as I ever could. I can be intimate with my husband without worrying about laying perfectly still afterward, or praying that it will work this time. We can be intimate when we feel like it, and we do feel like it. I never realized how different making love and making a baby were.
Without the drugs in my system, I feel like I'm learning how to be myself again. It feels strange, but good. I'm glad I'm taking this time for myself, to recover from how hard these last couple of years have been, and to prepare myself for the next part of the fight.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
More Time Off
Aunt Flow showed up again. Nice of her to stop by. IvoryBoy and I had literally just decided the day before to take at least one more month off from the science experiment, so her timing, as always, was impeccable.
The decision to take more time off was not easy - although I am VERY much looking forward to being Clomid-free for another month or more. We have one shot at the Clomid left before we move to IVF, and I really want to give us the best possible shot at it working. So in my mind, that means I need to lose some more weight, and eat better, and exercise. I can't help thinking that if I were in better shape, we'd have better luck... Which all feeds back into my guilt about the whole situation - as in "If only my Ovaries weren't defective, we'd have a baby by now."
And of course, I was hoping that it worked anyway, even without all of the poking and prodding...
The decision to take more time off was not easy - although I am VERY much looking forward to being Clomid-free for another month or more. We have one shot at the Clomid left before we move to IVF, and I really want to give us the best possible shot at it working. So in my mind, that means I need to lose some more weight, and eat better, and exercise. I can't help thinking that if I were in better shape, we'd have better luck... Which all feeds back into my guilt about the whole situation - as in "If only my Ovaries weren't defective, we'd have a baby by now."
And of course, I was hoping that it worked anyway, even without all of the poking and prodding...
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